


to make matters worse (and worse);

by prouveyrac



Series: sanders sides college!au [3]
Category: Sanders Sides, Thomas Sanders, Video Blogging RPF
Genre: Alcohol, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Drunkenness, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, drunk logan is angsty sad logan, logan once again has feelings that he can't comprehend, pls give him a hug, slight family issues, stress/anxiety over grades and family, the alternative title was:
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-02-20
Updated: 2018-02-20
Packaged: 2019-03-21 13:42:42
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,006
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13742139
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/prouveyrac/pseuds/prouveyrac
Summary: Logan had expectations that he might as well have been required to meet. They were set up for him, a perfect mold to fit the image of what he should be.But what happened when the mold began to crack?





	to make matters worse (and worse);

Logan stared at the exam in his hands, and the  _ C- _ written in red ink stared back. He should have already expected this. He should have checked his online gradebook. He should have looked at the exam when his professor passed it back to him instead of flipping it over and shoving it into his notebook, waiting to look at it until he returned to his dorm. But he was scared.

He was afraid of this exact situation happening. But he hoped that it was just that: a fear with no expectation of actually happening. He had studied his ass off for this exam, he made countless review sheets and study groups with his classmates. He had made everything preparation that he could have so that _ this _ wouldn’t be his result.

Yet, here he was, with a  _ C- _ staring back at him instead of an  _ A _ . He could practically physically feel his average in the class dropping. It was only one exam, yes (he had told himself that multiple times to try to sedate his fraying nerves), but it was much easier to drop a grade down than to bring it back up. Not to mention, how was he going to last in this Astronomy program at his school if he couldn’t even handle one exam? It wasn’t even a midterm; it was just a regular exam. He was going to be facing much more difficult exams and projects in the future, and he won’t even be able to think of doing them properly if he kept fucking up regular exams.

_ It’s fine, it’s  _ **_fine_ ** _ , _ Logan thought to himself as he crinkled the edges of his paper in his hands.

Except it really wasn’t. Logan had a strict mold that was made for him and that he planned to fit. He was meant to be smart, objective, level-headed. There was no room for emotions and ideas that were deemed petty when there were more things to learn, more things to study. Throughout his high school life, he dedicated more time to the library than he did with peers because that was what he was _ supposed _ to be doing. He was supposed to be working hard then so that he could excel without difficulty in college and not let things like _ this  _ happen. But if he did all that studying and skipped out on all those events that were supposed to be fun, and yet still did not see the expected results in the end, was it even worth it?

Did any of it even matter?

To make matters worse, while he was in class, his mother left him a voicemail.

Her words had been coated twice in a sickly sweetness that could only mask her expectations for him to succeed and the belief that he won’t. When he was younger, no matter how high he jumped, he fell under the impression that he never quite reached where he was supposed to be. He had not done well unless he had done the best, and so he pushed himself and he pushed himself  _ more _ just to get closer to being what he was supposed to be. And yet, with her  _ “So, new semester, yeah? Hope it’s going well,”  _ and her  _ “It’s always a good idea to start off on a good foot,” _ and her _ “Make sure to get your grades up now so that you continue to work hard,” _ , he felt as if, even from states away, she knew.

Logan couldn’t let himself disappoint her. He couldn’t let himself fall short once again and take one step closer to being the failure that he always feared he’d become.

At that lovely thought, Logan shook himself out of his own head and sighed. He folded the exam in half before shoving it back into the pocket of his notebook and then proceeded to delete the voicemail. If she called back later, then he would talk to her.

It was fine, it was _ fine _ .

At least it eventually would be if he kept telling himself that.

He was a couple pages into the most recent chapter assigned in his textbook when Virgil came back to their dorm. They were both finished with classes for the day, and Roman wouldn’t be back for another two hours or so.

“Hey, Virg,” Logan said, barely looking up from the definition he was highlighting. 

“Hey,” Virgil mumbled in response before Logan heard what could only be his friend dropping his bag to the floor and flopping face first onto his bed.

At that, Logan spun around in his seat and huffed out a weak laugh. “Long day?” he asked.

Virgil muttered something into the pillow and Logan cocked an eyebrow.

“Virgil, I cannot understand a word that you’re saying,” he said.

“I  _ said _ ,” Virgil began again, turning his head so that he was looking at Logan. “That if my professor wants us to write her way and only her way  _ so fucking badly _ , she should really teach better.”

“I’m sure you’re doing fine,” Logan assured.

“Is that the objective opinion?” Virgil asked, raising an eyebrow.

Logan shrugged. “It is if you want it to be,” he said. “Or it could be some slightly comforting words from a friend.”

Virgil stared at him for a moment before narrowing his eyes. Under the scrutiny, Logan turned back to his desk. Virgil just had a sense of when people were stressed or overwhelmed, perhaps perfected by his own tendencies to be anxious and tense, and Logan could already feel his eyes looking through him.

“You good, Lo?” Virgil asked. Logan forced himself to continue writing in the margins of his textbook instead of stopping to adjust his glasses or touch his hair; any fidgeting would show Virgil that, no, in fact, he was not good.

“I’m fine, Virg,” he said, flipping the page in his textbook despite barely having retained anything. His mind was too jumbled to really focus. He would just have to go back and review again later.

“You sure?” Virgil continued, disbelief in Logan’s words clear in his voice.

“Yes, Virgil, I am fine,” Logan insisted (and lied). “I’m just very tired. Thank you for your concern, however.”

Logan could feel Virgil’s eyes on him for a moment longer before he finally huffed and shifted his position on his bed.

\--

Logan had been perfectly fine with staying in his dorm room all day, surrounded by stacks of textbooks, loose leaf paper, and empty water bottles. It was no surprise to his roommates anymore that he had work to do, and now under  _ certain circumstances _ , Logan believed that he had to work himself harder. And if that meant he had to spend his entire Saturday inside, then so be it.

But, of course, that could not be it. When Patton showed up to his dorm room with his backpack and a warm smile and alerted Logan that Virgil texted him to check up on Logan ( _ et tu, Virgil? _ ), Patton suggested that they move their studying to a nearby cafe for a nice little ‘study date’.

Logan had been torn over whether or not he should be annoyed. On the one hand, Virgil had figured out that Logan’s biggest weakness was Patton; on the other hand, it was _Patton_.

At the end of it all, Logan agreed to the date, and now the couple was sitting across from each other at a table, notebooks, pens, and paper strewn about. They both had their coffee cups perched at the edge of the table, hoping that they neither fall on their books or the floor. Patton was currently switching between making an outline for an essay he had due soon and a review packet for an exam he had at the end of the week. 

Logan, however, felt like he was doing everything and, yet, was getting nothing done. He had compiled together all the questions he got wrong on the exam in hopes of working through all the issues he had, but there were still four questions that he just couldn’t get right for the life of him. He had been trying to review the data his lab group collected for their upcoming report, and it only left him with a headache because something about the numbers collected seemed  _ off  _ but he couldn’t figure out what it was. His physics professor had alluded to there being a pop quiz on the two most recent chapters, so he had to outline those chapters out in the notebook and hope that the information he dubbed ‘important’ was the same as his professor’s. Not to mention the readings he had for other classes, which he couldn’t even bring himself to begin because all the letters and numbers he was looking at just hurt his head.

He wanted to take a break, he wanted to be able to enjoy this Saturday out with his boyfriend, but he felt like he couldn’t. He had to work himself like this and constantly keep pushing himself further than he already was because he couldn’t let himself slip up again. He had expectations he needed to meet and, if he kept missing his mark, he felt like he would just be proving everyone right and making a fool out of himself. He needed to be on top of himself so that he wouldn’t let everyone down, wouldn’t let _ himself _ down.

Overall, Logan was stressed. He sighed deeply and pushed his glasses up the bridge of his nose. He rested his elbows on the table and his head on his hands, staring down at the pages before him and willing them to just make sense on their own.

“Lo?”

The answer to one of his questions was in the paragraph he was reading. He knew it was. He just couldn’t get his mind to process what he was reading, let alone figure out which sentence held the answer. A dull ache had begun behind his eyes and-

“Sweetheart?” Patton repeated and Logan whipped his head up. Patton wore a concerned expression on his face and Logan realized that he had began to run his hands through his hair.

Logan cleared his throat and smoothed down the mess he had made of his hair. “Yes, Patton? Is everything alright?”

“I think I could ask you the same thing,” Patton said with a small smile. “You okay?”

Logan nodded. He tried to straighten out his posture, hoping that Patton wouldn’t notice the tenseness in his shoulders. “Yeah, I’m fine,” he said. “Just tired, is all.”

Patton raised an eyebrow. “Are you sure? You seem a little… frazzled.”

_ Frazzled _ . Logan was not  _ frazzled _ . Logan was completely put together. He just was… overwhelmed. And that  _ could _ have made him frazzled, but no, he was keeping himself together well enough. He was perfectly fine, just experiencing a bit of a rough patch.

(If he repeated that enough to himself, Logan hoped he would begin to really believe it.)

“I’m sure, Pat,” Logan assured. “I’ve just been already working on all of this before we left, you know this. I guess I’m just starting to feel the effects.”

Patton frowned. “So everything is okay?” He pressed. “Because you just seemed a little tense and like you needed a break so-”

“I’m fine, Patton, stop worrying,” Logan cut him off, his tone coming out colder than he meant it to.

Patton was silent for a moment. “O-Okay,” he eventually said, his voice quiet.

Logan immediately felt a pang go through his heart. He sighed and pushed up his glasses, rubbing a hand across his forehead. “I’m sorry,” he said, hoping that Patton could hear the genuinity in his voice. “I didn’t mean to snap at you. I’ve just…” He trailed off, worrying his bottom lip. He didn’t think he could leave Patton completely in the dark. “I’ve been a bit stressed lately, that’s all.”

“Well, sweetheart, you know I’m always here for you,” Patton said. He gave Logan a smile and Logan couldn’t believe how lucky he was to have someone so caring. “You can talk to me, you know that.”

Logan nodded. “I do,” he said. “You’re right, but… not right now. It’s not something I really want to delve into at the moment.”

Patton nodded, understanding. “And that’s okay.”

Logan frowned. “I’m sorry,” he repeated, rubbing at his eyes behind his glasses. Sorry for snapping at him, sorry for being so incompetent at expressing himself.

“It’s okay,” Patton said softly. He held his hand out to Logan across the table and Logan only hesitated a second before taking it. 

The couple returned back to the notes in front of them. Logan still felt the large cluster of nerves settled in his stomach, but when Patton gently ran his thumb across Logan’s hand, just for a moment, it felt like it started to loosen up.

\--

“Patton will be there! Even Virgil is coming. It could be the Core Four!”

Logan had three missed phone calls from his mother. The last one was finally when she left a voicemail. She asked why he hadn’t been picking up (the first two he just missed, the third one he panicked) and if he was too busy for her calls ( _ “Logan, I told you to make sure that you space your schedule out and don’t procrastinate so that you won’t be so busy” _ ).

He had an exam in a week and a half. It was for the same class that he got the _C-_ in, and knowing his professor, there would be at least three review questions on it. He had to make an outline for each chapter this weekend, and then work on breaking down each chapter individually. He thought a he had given himself enough time, but looking at his unorganized planner, he wasn’t so sure now.

For an essay that he turned in, an essay that he actually had to rush because he was so focused on other assignments, his professor told him that he should find better sources, and to do the optional rewrite offered would bode well for him. Though, because he had to find better sources, it meant that he had to practically rewrite the entire paper by monday afternoon.

It was a Friday night. A Friday night that was supposed to be spent studying and working hard and not let himself slip farther down than he already had and-

“So?” Logan asked his red-headed friend, raising an eyebrow. “You, Virgil, and Patton cannot have fun at a party with just the three of you?”

It wasn’t until Logan saw Roman’s dejected expression that he realized his words had more bite than was necessary. He sighed as Roman began a fumbled explanation,

“Well, uh, it’s just that we all think it would be fun if you came with us and we all had a lot of fun the last time we went to a party and-”

“Roman, it’s okay,” Logan interjected. “I’m sorry, I was… colder than I should have been. I just… there is a lot of things that I need to get done, and I feel like if I take a break, I might just set myself up for failure.”

Roman waved his hand. “Trust me, Lo, you could never fail,” he said, an assurance that Logan couldn’t believe. “And maybe a break could actually do you well? I think if you just power through work nonstop for three days, you’re gonna tire yourself out. You said the same thing the night we met Patton, and look at how many good things came from that night! You got to take a break and let your mind refresh, _ and _ you got Patton!”

Logan sighed and ran a hand through his hair. Tonight was _ supposed _ to be a night he did work and fixed whatever happened to him, but he was also  _ supposed  _ to get an A, he was  _ supposed _ to be calm and collected. He was supposed to be fine.

Maybe “supposed to” meant shit.

“Alright, sure,” Logan finally said, standing up from his desk.

“Wait, really?” Roman asked, shock etched into his voice.

“You made a compelling argument,” Logan said as he neatly stacked the papers and books discarded. “Plus, I don’t really have a counter one, so, yeah, I’ll go with you guys.”

A grin instantly broke out onto Roman’s face. “Great,” he said, clasping his hands together. “We’re gonna be meeting Patton and Virgil there because they met up earlier. It’s gonna be so much fun because me and Virgil will kill it  _ again _ at beer pong and this time you and Patton can actually _ watch _ instead of running off to profess your love to each other-”

“That was the night we met, first of all,” Logan interrupted, quickly changing his clothes. “Second of all, I’m sure you didn’t hate the alone time.”

“I have no clue what you mean by that,” Roman said and Logan rolled his eyes. “But I don’t care! Tonight is going to be fun and you’re going to loosen up -because, not gonna lie Lo, you’ve seemed super tense lately- and it’s gonna be fun!”

“Yes, well,” Logan said, shoving his phone into his pocket. “Let’s actually go to the party instead of just talking about it.”

Roman gave an over-excited cheer in agreement as he followed Logan out.

The party was already well in effect by the time Roman and Logan arrived. Loud music thumped out of speakers and people trailed inside and out. The warm weather was going to disappear soon, so most at the party were trying to make the most of it, even if there was a chance they wouldn’t remember it the next morning.

“Patton and Virgil should already be here,” Roman said over the music. “I think Patton dragged Virgil here a little earlier.”

“Well, they’re probably around here somewhere,” Logan said as they got closer to where drinks were set up. “They’d-”

Logan felt someone grab onto his hand and a familiar voice exclaim, “Roman! You got him to come out!”

Logan spun around to see Patton grinning up at him with Virgil coming up behind him. “He already did that a while ago, Patton,” he said, smirking at Logan. 

“Right you are, Virgil,” Roman laughed. “But yes! I got him to join us tonight!”

“Are these conspiracies to get me to go parties common?” Logan asked, raising an eyebrow.

“Of course!” Patton exclaimed. “We have to make sure that you get out so we could see your lovely face.”

“You’re beautiful, Logan,” Virgil said with a head nod.

“Thanks, Virg,” Logan said with a laugh as Roman passed out beer cans.

For a second, Logan considered putting his back. If he was putting off his work until tomorrow, he would have to be completely in the right mindset to do it. However, he then thought of the stress that he was under and how he could use a drink. Or ten.

So, he popped the top and downed about half of the can.

“Oh shit,” Virgil said.

“Well, I came here to have fun, didn’t I?” Logan raised an eyebrow and wiped at the corners of his mouth.

“That you did, Specs!” Roman said, slinging an arm around his shoulder. “And that you will!”

And Logan actually did, at least for a while. The four continued to pass drinks to each other and eventually found a couch to chat on while Roman and Virgil waited for their turn at beer pong. Patton had been sitting on his lap and Logan had his arm securely around his waist and, for the first time in days, things felt  _ good _ . He was enjoying his time out with his friends and he felt like things could be okay.

Of course, though, it didn’t last. Logan should have expected it to end eventually. It happened when Virgil and Roman returned from their game of beer pong (which they did, in fact, crush). His phone had begun to buzz in his pocket and the dread that filled him only worsened when his fear about who was calling was confirmed.

“I’ll be right back, I have to take this,” Logan said to his friends and shifted Patton off of him. He stood and only then did he realize how much the alcohol had affected him. Still, though, he managed to make it to the backyard porch without stumbling too terribly.

“Hello?” he answered, leaning against the railing for stability.

“Logan? Why haven’t you been returning my calls?” his mother questioned on the other end.

“Oh, sorry,” Logan said. He hoped that his voice sounded normal on the line. “I’ve just been super busy lately. With school and all.”

“Well, you know that you should plan efficiently so that you don’t get overwhelmed,” his mother critiqued. “And what is all that noise? Where are you?”

“Oh, I’m just out,” Logan said. It wasn’t technically a lie.

“Out? Out where? Logan, it’s very loud there. Are- are you at a party?” Her tone had switched from slightly annoyed to completely frustrated.

“I’m just out with my friends for the night,” Logan said, trying to diffuse the situation. “They really wanted me to come out with them.”

“The fact that you haven’t returned any of my calls is very concerning,” she said, though she didn’t sound concerned for her son. “And now you’re partying because of these people? Even more so.”

“Mom, it’s _ fine _ ,” Logan said. “It’s just one night and-”

“And one night can turn into many more!” she snapped. He then heard her sigh on the other end. “You know, Logan, let’s just hope that this doesn’t break anything for you. We’ll have to speak at a different time.”

He heard the line click. He pulled his phone away from his ear and stared dumbfounded at the disconnected call.

Logan decided that he needed another drink. He could already feel the alcohol in his system as he walked, how the ground felt like it was moving under his feet, but he didn’t quite care about that. He wanted to forget that that just happened, that this past week has happened.

As Logan fished through the coolers set up outside, he heard Roman call out, “Hey, Logan!” and saw Virgil trailing behind him.

“Everything good?” Virgil asked as they approached him.

“Everything’s fine,” Logan said before opening the can in his hands and drinking most of it.

“Hey, take it easy, tiger,” Roman said, his tone light hearted and his smile easy, but Logan saw the truth behind it. He saw Roman judging him and trying to limit the decisions that he himself could make. He saw that Roman thought he was incompetent. “How about you have some water instead?”

“Oh, now you’re trying to control me again?” Logan asked, defensive. He heard his mother’s critiques echoing in his mind. “First you force me to come to this stupid fucking party -which I didn’t even want to go to in the first place- and now you’re trying to control what I do here? You can’t orchestrate everything everyone does Roman, not everything can be at your whim.” 

Roman’s jaw dropped slightly and he blinked at Logan in surprise.

“Hey, woah, calm down, Logan,” Virgil said, putting his hands up. “We’re just trying to look out for you.”

“Well, I don’t need that,” Logan snapped. He felt the walls he had built up around him grow higher. They thought he was weak. They believed that he was incapable of doing anything for himself and it burned inside of him and behind his eyes. “I can take care of myself just fine. I don’t need you two doing it for me.”

Roman, who had found his voice again, furrowed his eyebrows. “You know, Logan,” he said, taking a step closer. “If you have a sudden problem with us, why don’t you just say it instead of getting pissed at all of us? Why don’t you use your words, unless you’re trying to find them at the bottom of a beer can?”

Virgil gaped between the two of them and Logan opened his mouth to fight back, to defend himself, when, suddenly, Patton’s voice came from behind them. “Logan,” he said, his voice sharp enough to get his attention. Both Logan and Roman spun to look at him. He didn’t recall seeing Patton walk outside. “Why don’t you come on a walk with me?”

“Why?” Logan asked.

Patton shrugged, his movements calm and easy. “Because I want to go on a walk with you,” he said, approaching the three. He slid Roman and Virgil a look before holding out his hand to Logan. “Come on.”

“Okay, fine,” Logan agreed, taking Patton’s hand. Patton lead him away from the scene, keeping a firm hold on his hand. He grabbed a water bottle from a cooler before they left and then continued to walk with Logan.

Logan’s mind raced and his thoughts jumbled together so badly that it made his head spin. They all thought that he was weak. No, they all _ knew _ that he was weak. They finally all saw that he was truly a failure and now they had to fix him. They had to have him fit the mold that everyone always expected him to. They looked at him and saw something broken, something pathetic, something that lost all its potential before it could do anything great.

They saw what Logan really was.

Logan’s bottom lip trembled and his throat tightened, but he forced himself to hold back any gasps or sobs that wished to escape. He rubbed at his eyes behind his glasses and hoped that the night hid it from Patton. He didn’t want Patton to see him like this. He didn’t want to make Patton regret being with him.

When their dorms got closer, Patton might as well have been carrying Logan. With his mood and his lack of sobriety tipping from bad to worse, his stumbling grew clumsier, his feet catching on the grass along with themselves.

“Hey, how about we sit for a little bit?” Patton finally said, already leading Logan over to one of the nearby benches. “We’ll rest for a little bit and drink some water before we go to your dorm, okay?”

“Okay,” Logan said, sitting on the bench next to Patton. Wordlessly, Patton opened the water bottle he brought and put it into Logan’s hand. Logan drank some before leaning his head on Patton’s shoulder. His eyes fluttered shut and he just wanted to stay in the quiet forever. He wanted to forget about everything and anything and just stay on this bench with Patton. If things stayed this quiet, this still, he wouldn’t have to worry about tomorrow, when his friends would probably hate him for being like  _ this  _ and when he was still definitely a failure.

“Logan,” Patton said, interrupting. Logan’s eyes opened back up. “What happened back there?”

“That was nothing,” Logan said quietly, tearing at the label of the water. He had to talk around the lump that was still in his throat and he hoped that his voice wasn’t wavering.

“Yes, that was something,” Patton insisted and Logan frowned. “You three all seemed very… tense.”

Logan furrowed his eyebrows. He didn’t understand why no one could just _ let him be _ . He already knew that he was weak and pathetic and  _ broken _ , did everyone need him to say it out loud, too? “Patton, it’s literally nothing,” he snapped. “I’m fine.”

“Well, obviously you’re not, Logan!” Patton said, his voice a lot sterner than what Logan expected. He picked his head up off Patton’s shoulder and stared at him. “I can see that you’re not fine but you’re just holding everything in! And that _ kills  _ me to see you doing that because you’re just hurting yourself, and I really can’t handle seeing you in pain. So, can you just _ please _ tell us what’s going on so that we can help you?”

Logan turned his head away from Patton. His eyes burned and his bottom lip was trembling again, except this time he couldn’t hold everything in anymore. A broken sob escaped him and the water bottle dropped from his hands as his head fell down into them. Patton had seen through him, had seen too much, and now he knew how fragile Logan was. How Logan wasn’t put together, not at all. He was just good at pretending that he had everything on the straight and narrow, when really he was just bursting at the seams with _ failure _ , with  _ imperfection _ .

Patton had his arm around Logan. He was saying something to him but Logan couldn’t focus. His tone was gentle but the words were probably not. There was no way that they could have been good. After seeing Logan like this, Logan would be surprised if Patton wanted to even see him anymore. Who would, after this display, after this outburst? Logan was breaking the mold that had been formed for him; he was something that he wasn’t supposed to be.

“Logan, Logan, it’s okay,” Patton soothed, his words finally reaching him. He held Logan close, his heat radiating off of him. “You’re okay, Lo, just breathe. Let it out.”

Logan shook his head as another sob broke away from him. “I can’t, I  _ can’t _ ,” he gasped.

“Can’t what, sweetheart?” Patton asked softly. He tilted Logan’s heads up out of his hands, but Logan refused to make eye contact. He couldn’t bring himself to look at Patton, not when he was like this. Instead, he resorted back to leaning his head against Patton’s shoulder. Patton carded a hand through Logan’s hair, pressing a kiss to the top of his head. “Logan, talk to me.”

“I _ can’t, _ ” he repeated, reaching desperately for Patton’s free hand. Patton took it and held it tightly, running his thumb along the top of it. “I don’t know how. Everything is just too much and I don’t know how to handle it, I _ can’t. _ ”

Patton was silent for a couple moments as he continued to hold Logan. Logan just wanted to let himself be consumed by the darkness surrounding him. It was better than waiting for Patton to grow tired of him and his breakdown.

Instead, though, Patton finally said, “That’s okay. We don’t have to do this right now.”

“I’m sorry,” Logan managed out.

“Logan,” Patton said, tilting Logan’s head back up. Logan stared down, not wanting to meet Patton’s eyes. “Logan,” he repeated, his voice gentle and quiet. “You can look at me.” After a moment’s hesitation, Logan looked up into Patton’s eyes. “Please don’t apologize,” Patton continued. “I’m worried about you, and I want to make sure that you’re okay. But please, Lo, you don’t have to be hiding your feelings. You don’t have to be ashamed. I want you to let it all out, so please don’t apologize for this. I just want to be there for you.”

Logan nodded, tears continuing to escape his eyes at the unexpected acceptance. Patton gently wiped them away before placing a kiss to Logan’s forehead. “How about we continue this tomorrow when we’re both rested and you’re sober, okay?” he asked quietly, tracing Logan’s jaw.

Logan nodded. “O-Okay,” he fumbled, trying to steady his voice and will the tears to stop falling.

“So how about we head back to your dorm and get you ready for bed, okay?” Patton asked. “You need to get some rest.”

Logan nodded. “Can you stay with me?” His voice was quiet, it was the only way he could get it to stop wavering.

Patton nodded and slowly stood. “Of course,” he said, allowing Logan to lean on him for support. “We’ll go slow, okay? And let me know if you feel sick or just need to stop for a couple moments, okay?”

“I don’t feel sick,” Logan mumbled.

“Okay,” Patton nodded. He wrapped his arm around Logan’s waist and walked him slowly back to Logan’s dorm.

Logan leaned against the wall outside their dorm and fished out his dorm key from his pocket. When he found it, he pressed it into Patton’s hand and waited for him to unlock the door. When Patton did, he took Logan’s hand and led him inside, immediately directing him towards his bed so that he could sit down.

“I’m just going to get you comfier clothes, okay?” Patton said with a smile.

“Okay,” Logan said quietly. “Thank you.”

“Of course, sweetheart,” Patton said, bending down to press a soft kiss to Logan’s forehead before moving to his drawers. He quickly pulled out a t-shirt and one of Logan’s pairs of pajama pants before walking back over to him.

Logan took the clothes to change into as Patton busied himself around the room. Logan watched as he grabbed two water bottles from the mini-fridge and set them on the side table. He then went into the dorm bathroom and came out a couple seconds later with the garbage.

“I’m not going to be sick,” Logan, now in his pajamas, said.

“I know,” Patton said, setting it down next to his bed. “It’s a just in case. How about you have some more water before you go to bed?”

Logan nodded, taking the water from the nightstand and drinking some. “You’re staying, right?”

Patton nodded. “Yeah, I’ll be here, and then when Roman and Virgil come back I’ll go back-”

Logan shook his head. “No, can you stay here? Stay over?”

“Would that make you feel better?”

Logan nodded. “You can take clothes from my drawer.”

Patton nodded. He took out his phone and quickly typed something out before placing it on Logan’s side table. Logan focused his attention more on his water as Patton changed.

When Patton was changed, Logan placed his water back onto the side table. “I think I’m going to try to sleep,” he announced. He could hear the slur in his words now and felt his face flush. “Can you…” he trailed off, not knowing how to continue with what he wanted to say, not wanting to make Patton uncomfortable.

But Patton, being Patton and being amazing, understood and climbed into the bed after Logan. Logan fit in easily against his side, his head resting against Patton’s chest. Patton gently traced his fingers along Logan’s back.

His presence was calming. It was what Logan needed.

\--

Logan didn’t remember falling asleep, but when he woke up, he noticed two things. One, holy  _ shit _ he felt like a bus ran over him about twenty times. Two, Patton was not at his side.

Logan slowly,  _ very _ slowly, opened his eyes. Despite his room only having one window, and all the curtains were drawn, it was still too bright. His head pounded and every time he shifted his position, even slightly, it felt like he was exerting all his energy.

But, hey, he didn’t get sick. That had to count for something since he went  _ way  _ over his limit last night.

He eventually managed to push himself up so that he was sitting. He rubbed at his eyes, clearing the sleep from them, before grabbing his glasses from his side table. Finally able to clearly see, he realized another two things.

One, it was close to noon. Two, he was the only one in his room.

Looking around in confusion, his eyes finally landed upon a note left on the side table.

_ 11:30. Went out with Virgil and Roman to get food and coffees. Hope you’re feeling okay. Advil is on the table. -P :) _

A bunch of hearts were drawn on the sticky note. Also, there were two advil left on the side table and Logan decided that, if he wasn’t about to deliver the biggest apology ever, he would kiss Patton the moment he saw him.

Logan downed some water and the Advil before grabbing his phone. He leaned back in his bed, checking his notifications. He didn’t know how he felt upon seeing that he had no messages from Roman or Virgil.

(Actually, that was a lie. He felt terrible.)

After about another fifteen minutes, he finally heard voices outside his door and, not long after, Roman pushed the door open. He was followed in by Virgil and Patton, all carrying sandwiches and a coffee; Roman had two coffees.

“Hey guys,” Logan said rather awkwardly. 

“Oh, good, you’re awake,” Patton said, smiling as he sat down next to Logan.

Virgil and Roman pulled two desk chairs over so that they were sitting across from the other two. Roman gave a sheepish smile, Logan adjusted his glasses and averted his eyes, and Virgil pulled the sleeves of his hoodie over his hands.

“I… brought a coffee as a peace offering?” Roman offered weakly, holding out an iced coffee to Logan.

“Thanks,” Logan said quietly, taking it. “I don’t think I can stomach a coffee right now, but I appreciate the symbolism. And… I think I should be the one with a peace offering.”

“Dude, don’t worry,” Virgil said. “We’re not mad. You were drunk, it’s fine. Everyone says stupid things while they’re drunk.”

“Perhaps,” Logan said, setting the coffee on the side table. “But I think ‘stupid things’ are typically just that. Ideas and thoughts that make no sense.” He sighed. “I don’t think me yelling at you two classifies as a ‘stupid thing’. And I… I honestly am so sorry. You two should never have been an outlet for my frustration.”

“But what happened?” Roman asked. “You were fine right before you took that phone call.”

“We were all just really worried about you,” Patton said.

“Yeah and, like, we accept your apology, obviously,” Virgil said. “It’s not like this is something that happens every time we go out together. After a while, we weren’t even that mad, just… really concerned, actually. I’ve been saying it and we were talking about it, and you just seemed really off this whole week.”

“Yeah,” Roman said. “We were really more worried than anything else. If something’s going on or if something’s bothering you, you can tell us, Lo. We’re your best friends, we’re all here to help you.”

Logan smiled weakly. “Thanks guys,” he said. “I’ve just…” He sighed and ran a hand through his hair. He couldn’t hold back his feelings anymore, but he didn’t even know how to properly express them. “This week has been really rough,” he finally decided on. “It’s not like major, devastating things happened. It was just… a lot of little things that kept growing into something bigger.”

“Do you want to talk about it?” Patton asked.

Logan huffed out a bitter laugh and rubbed his eyes. “I do, but I don’t know how,” he admitted. “Very rarely do I ever… talk feelings.”

“We’re not going to pressure you to do anything, Lo,” Virgil assured. “You can tell us whatever you want, or you don’t have to tell us anything at all. Just know that we’re here for you.”

Logan smiled at his friends. “Thanks,” he said. “But I do believe that you all at least deserve an explanation. It would make me feel better if I gave you one.” His friends all nodded, encouraging him to go on. “I’ve been extremely stressed this week. Some of my grades have been slipping and it just feels like I can’t get my grip back on them. I’ve had a shit ton of assignments due and assignments that I still have to do that I feel like I’m not able to put my full effort into because of how distracted I am. Plus, my mother has been constantly calling me -Virgil, Roman, you two know how she is- and she was the one who called me last night.” Logan sighed. “She wasn’t happy that I was out doing something fun.”

Roman frowned and Virgil said, “Lo, you know whatever she said wasn’t true. You’re allowed to have fun.”

Logan nodded. “It’s just… a lot. But with all of this, I’ve been feeling so… bad but I’ve just been holding it in. I feel like there’s this mold that I’m supposed to perfectly fit. A mold that has been set up for me. And when I feel like I’m breaking it… I just feel like a failure.”

“But, Logan, you’re allowed to break away,” Patton said. “To try and fit everyone’s expectations is only setting yourself up to get hurt. You can be your own person with your own thoughts and feelings. That’s the best part about you, you’re  _ you! _ ”

Logan smiled. “Thanks, Patton,” he said. “It’s just frustrating because all my life I’ve been trying to fit these expectations and bottle my emotions up so that I don’t disappoint people and now…” He trailed off and rubbed the back of his neck. “Now, I don’t even know how to properly talk about any of this.”

“You don’t have to tell us everything right here right now, Logan,” Virgil said. “You can take your time. Everything here is at your pace, and we’ll never make you talk about thinks you don’t want to.”

Roman nodded. “We’re always going to be here for you,” he said. “We all want to help you with every dilemma that you run into.” He then laughed slightly. “It’s the least we could do, considering you’re always helping us out.”

“And you never have to hide anything from us,” Patton said. “You should never feel like you have to keep all of this locked up. I know it can be a process to learn how to properly express yourself, but we will never judge you for what you feel.”

“Everything you feel is valid,” Virgil said. “Not stupid or unimportant. Never think that what you feel is a burden to us.”

“And we’ll be with you for this whole thing,” Roman said with a smile. “One step at a time.”

For the first time that week, Logan felt the pressure that had been stacked on top of his shoulders be completely lifted off. Perhaps it  _ would _ be better to face his challenges with his friends than alone.

**Author's Note:**

> oh my goodness this was so much longer than i thought it was going to be
> 
> thank you so much for reading!!! as always, kudos and comments are appreciated, but i'm seriously just grateful that you guys are reading!!!
> 
> ethospathoslogan.tumblr.com
> 
> (main blog: actuallygansey.tumblr.com)


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